Thirty and Over or Over Thirty?

I remember when I was in my teens, I wanted to be a part of the 21 and over crowd. Then, in my early 20's, I couldn't wait to be 25 and over. Of course, when I reached my late 20's, I was ready to be 30. When I turned 30 years old, I had a huge birthday party to commemorate the occassion. There is something about being "30 and over" that just makes life seem different.

On New Years' Day, I had the pleasure of spending the first day of the year with my gyrlfriends. Unlike most groups of gyrlfriends, my gyrls and I rarely see each other. We don't gab on the phone for hours on end, nor are we frequently hooking up for nights out on the town. When I'm done writing this post, remind me to go pick a switch because we need our asses whooped for not making more time to spend together. Granted, we are women on the move, that is no reason to not take time out to check in with your gyrls.

During our time together, my gyrls and I talked about many-a-thing, but the conversation that continued to resonate after I'd gone home, and even over a month later,  was the "over 30" conversation. One of my gyrls tossed out the phrase, "you know you're over 30 when..." and we all had to complete the statement. We came up with the following list:

You know you're over 30 when...
...you don't spend money in stores that don't appreciate your business - no matter how badly you want that merchandise.
...you have no filter. No more tongue-biting for the sake of being nice.
...you don't cuss out people who clearly deserve to be cussed out. (Seemingly a contradiction of the first point, BUT, instead of cussing them out, you tell 'em off nice-nasty).
...you learn to appreciate people for who they are, rather than trying to change them.
...you know who your real friends are and who your real friends aren't (I think the latter may be more important than the former).
...you no longer feel the need to live up to society's standards and you don't care what anyone thinks about it.
...you are not afraid to lose it all and start over.
...you no longer chase people or situations, but wait for them to come in due time.

The list goes on and I'm sure I have paraphrased what my gyrls really said, but you get the point.

I looked up the word "over" and what I found was interesting. The word over has about 25 definitions and can be used as a noun, verb, preposition, adverb, and adjective. What do my gyrls and I really mean when we say we are over 30? One definition states that over means "more than", as in, "I raised over the amount of my goal."  Another defines it as "finished, no longer in progress"; as in, "the party is over. It has ended." I got 'ta thankin' bout this thang and I wondered, are we 30 and over OR are we over 30?

Getting to the place where you can truly come to terms with yourself, your situations, your mistakes and their consequences is big deal. It seems for the first time, my gyrls and I are all in that place. We all have found a particular brand of peace that isn't advertised. Most never find it. We all find ourselves facing what would be considered by all accounts, "tough times", but as we went around the table and said what made us over 30 (more than 30 years old), there was an aire of confidence, satisfaction, and empowerment that can only come from being over 30 (having lived more than 30 years).

So I guess we are a little of both. We are over 30, more than 30 years old, with the wisdom that could only come from the decisions and circumstances that plagued our 20's and the years preceding them. But we are also 30 and over...we are finished and no longer dealing with things that don't matter. We are over the stress, over the games, and over the drama that sometimes attracts our attention when we have not lived long enough to know what does and does not matter.

So, for all my grown-ass women, are you 30 and over, or are you just over 30?
I just felt like being candid...

You Already Know

On the first day of this year, I started this blog (http://candidconversationswithmarquita.blogspot.com/2011/01/just-start-already.html). It was a huge step for me. At the time, I was thinking that it was time for me to start. Sure, I was already doing a lot, but for every one thing I was doing, there were two more that I wanted to do. I decided this year that I'd just do them already. What a year it has been!

I have to admit, 2011 was not an easy year by any stretch of the imagination. Ya gyrl, has gone through some thangs! However, the good far out weighs the bad and the ugly. (the good, bad, and ugly of 2011 will be explored in a yet-to-be written blog post so stay tuned.) But everything, whether its been good, bad, or ugly, has led me here, to this moment.

As I stand at the threshold of 2012, I would be remiss if I did not revisit the goals I set for myself at the beginning of 2011 or if I did not set any new goals for 2012. Setting goals for the new year is nothing new. People do it all the time. They call it "making resolutions".  But here's the gotcha: you already know what will happen in 2012. Why do you need resolutions?

Yes, you already know what is going to happen in 2012. You know what you want and I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that you even know how to get it. If you know what you want and how to get it, then you already know what will happen in 2012. Either you are going to work harder to be more and have more, or you will continue to find reasons to deny yourself the success you know you deserve. I believe they call that "making excuses".

At the beginning of this year, I challenged you to start already. For 2012, I challenge you to act upon what you already know. Happy New Year!

-Until our next Candid Conversation....

For the Love of Money

          “Money is the root of all evil” is the most often and misquoted scripture in the Bible. 1 Timothy 6:10 actually reads, “For the love of money is the root of all evil…”  If you don’t believe me, you can also refer to the classic O’Jays hit released in 1973, “For the Love of Money”. In a way that only the O’Jays can, they give poignant examples of the evils brought on by the love of money. They cite the following: people stealing from their mothers, robbing their own brothers and women selling their precious bodies. Indeed, those are some pretty serious acts revolving around the love of money. Amazingly, this song released almost 40 years ago is still relevant today.

When I decided several years ago to begin to aggressively work towards becoming financially independent, I began to pay closer attention to ways to increase my income. I quickly learned that aside from having a salary in the upper six-figure range, which was not going to happen as a high school teacher, I needed to have multiple streams of income. So over the years, I have taken many avenues to achieve my financial goals – some lucrative, others not so much. Along the way, I’ve met people even more determined to make millions than I. In short, I’ve met a lot of people who love money and will do almost anything to get it.

Wanting to have money and even having it, are not the issues. Loving money presents the issue. Contrary to the teachings of my future ex-husband, Diddy and the great Notorious B.I.G. (R.I.P.), more money does not bring more problems. More love of money brings more problems. Love of money from leeching family members, fake friends, and greedy agents creates a lot of the problems that people with money experience. Of course money problems are not limited to these examples, but for the purpose of this particular discussion, they are the most sufficient. When people get a taste of what it’s like to have something they’ve never had before it brings out another side of them. Either they overspend, become overly charitable with mooching family members, or begin to worship the money and spend more time doing whatever it takes to acquire more of it. What I’m talking about is usually a result of the latter.

God wants us to be prosperous, so there is no harm in wanting to have money. The harm arises from a love of money that is deep enough to cause us to change the way we treat people and how we carry ourselves. In my business ventures, I’ve run across people that love you when your numbers are high-can’t get enough of you, could drink your bath water-okay…you get it. But let those numbers drop; let your business start to struggle, and those same associates who could have eaten you up will not want to be bothered-they become disinterested, “miss” all of your phone calls-okay…going too far again, you get the point. Some people will do whatever they have to do to get ahead. They love you when you can contribute to that effort and don’t know you if you are of no benefit to them.  Money, rather the love of it, truly changes things. A person who places the value of money over all else is one to be watched closely.

We all want to live a nice life, but we should never place riches above people, because there are just some things that money cannot pay for. And, the same people that we step on on the way up, may be the ones we need help from on the way down. So, do seek to have it all-you deserve the best! Just don’t allow the love of money to surpass everything else there is to live for.

1 Timothy 6:10 continues, “…which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows.” In other words, when we place the love of money in such a high regard, we forget about those things upon which our faith should be built and because of that we suffer. Mo’ love of money, Mo’ problems! If Biblical scriptures are not your thing, then just take the advice given by Diamond in The Player’s Club, “make that money, don’t let it make you”. Some people got to have it, some people really need it, in either case, don’t let money rule you!

Until our next conversation…

We Can't Be Friends

Someone must have changed the definition of the word friend and forgot to cc me on the email. This is particularly the case when it comes to relationships between men and women. Relationships that are supposed to be platonic, relationships called “friendships” between men and women, have taken a turn that I apparently know nothing about. It seems the word friend has double, maybe even triple meanings, when used to describe a relationship between a man and a woman.

Case in point: As I was taking my morning run a couple of weeks ago, I was approached and complimented by a fellow-runner. Nothing uncommon. As we completed our workout, he and I engaged in conversation about fitness. Nothing uncommon. At the end of my run, this guy asked me if we could be friends and possibly run together. Again, nothing uncommon. This very same scenario could have easily occurred with a female. I am an equal opportunity friend-maker. So, I said, “Sure!” We agreed on a time to run the next day and exchanged numbers in the event that anything changed. As far as I was concerned, this would be a nice person to keep me motivated during my runs. Nothing more, nothing less. Boy was I wrong.

Before I could arrive home (and I only live about 10 minutes from the park), this guy had sent three text messages, one including a picture of himself! I was outdone! What part of running partners did he not understand? Further, I had already told him that I was romantically unavailable. Why would he think that we would be more than running partners after only one conversation? Needless to say, I informed him that we would, in fact, not be running together and that he should not contact me anymore. Extreme? Maybe so, but I say what I mean and mean what I say. In my world, running partners means running partners and there is no need to text me pictures or anything else not related to running. No double or triple meanings here.

The notion that our interaction meant more than it did had me perplexed until I gave it a bit more thought. Obviously, the word friend is used to describe various types of relationships-not just friendships. Come to think of it, I have friends who misuse the word friend, using it to describe someone with whom they might be creeping, sleeping, or otherwise carrying on. It didn’t cross my mind that this guy would misread our interaction. Maybe I am naïve, but I don’t assume that every man who talks to me is interested in me. For me, he couldn’t be anything other than a running partner. Ya’ll know I got a sweet thang.  But he must be accustomed to dealing with women who play the friendship game; calling themselves friends but participating in activities that go beyond what would be included in a platonic relationship. Otherwise, why would he have this expectation?

Obviously, I am old school when it comes to being friends with men. I have quite a few very close male friends. For me, that is all we are now, all that we have ever been. As far as I know, that’s all we will ever be. I don’t blur the lines between myself and my male friends. There is just no reason to. That’s what my sweet thang is for.  I also do not tell men that we can be friends with the intent of being more than friends. There is just no reason to. It may not be trendy to be upfront with people but I’ve found that it saves a lot of confusion in the long run. I won’t be sitting around wishing I never did it and wishing I never loved it, all because I used the word friend in the wrong context. No thank you. I will continue to be clear about my intentions with people, especially men.

If I do not intend to be more than friends, I will not pretend that I do. I know that most women will continue to play games with men by doing the following: going on dates with guys they aren’t interested in, taking multiple drinks from a guy at the club then proceeding to ignore his calls for the next two weeks, or stringing him along knowing that she is already involved with someone who she plans to remain involved with-all the while, claiming this guy as a friend. I just hope that you all understand that when we play these games, we change the rules for not only ourselves but for all the other women out there who are seeking true friendships and relationships. Do what you will, but as for me, I’ll maintain that we can’t be friends, unless we are truly being friends.

Candidly speaking, I’ve enjoyed our conversation.

You Must Not Be Hungry

I vividly remember being hungry as a child, but not knowing exactly what I had a taste for. I'd tell my grandmama that I was hungry and she'd answer, "go eat." Irritated,  I would stomp to the refrigerator (often followed by warnings of a whooping if I didn't "walk like I had some damn sense"), open the door, stare inside, close the door and stomp back to the living room (of course stopping the stomping before my grandmama could hear it). My grandmama would give me that "I dare you to complain look" and I'd repeat this scene over and over until I wore my fool self out. After allowing me to look foolish for a while, my grandmama would say, "you must not be hungry." Hmph...I think about that today, and I have to say, YOU must not be hungry.

Saying what we need to do and want to do, looking at options, and even making plans for how to get it done, but then not following through indicates that we must not be hungry. Do we really want the things we say we want if we are not willing to work for them?

My grandmama taught me a long time ago that when we are hungry, we eat. Not only do we eat, but eat what we have. Beyond that, we do it without complaining or holding out for something else. Look in your fridge and take inventory. What do you have available to you that can help you get to where you say you want to be? Are you utilizing it to its full potential? If not, then you must not be hungry. You see, a hungry person doesn't have time to overanalyze, criticize, or complain about what he or she does not have. A hungry person sees what is in the fridge and begins to consider all the possibilities of what could be. Don't tell me you've never created a new dish using the last little bit of whatever you could find. I know I have-hence the birth of the fried bologna with mustard and sugar on lightly toasted end pieces of bread (and if I ever feel I am getting too big for my britches, I make one just to remind myself of where I come from). When it comes down to it, a hungry person does what has to be done with what he or she already has.

Perhaps we have become comfortable with ourselves such that we are not as hungry as we used to be. I challenge you, though, to dig deep and think about those things that you know you want to do and what is keeping them from doing them. Are you hungry? If so, you will stop making trips to the fridge, looking inside, yet pulling nothing out to eat. If you are hungry, you will take what's in your fridge and do with it the very best you can. If you are hungry, you'll eat and eat now. If you are hungry, you will create your own recipe, using the ingredients you have available to you right now and move yourself one step closer to where you really want to be.

Friends, I thank you for sharing this Candid Conversation.

Mind Your Business

For years, we have been taught to go to school, get good grades, graduate, and get a good job. If we do these things, so we've been told, life will be grand. A good job with good benefits leads to a nice home for our families and a handsome life after retirement. I believe this was once referred to as living the American Dream. This dream is rooted in creating a sense of security in our lives. But just how secure is it? With more businesses and corporations closing each year, is there any way to guarantee that we will get our piece of the pie?

The only person you can really count on when times get hard, is yourself. This is why we must learn to mind our business. Oh, I don't mean in terms of who's zooming who. I'm talking about owning our own businesses and taking full advantage of all that comes with being an entrepreneur. I can already hear the excuses: I don't have any money to start a business, I need to keep my benefits, I don't have time to start a business, or I don't know anything about  running a business. Trust me friends, you know more than you think you know and you have more resources than you think you have. Not all businesses require start-up costs. There has to be something that you love doing, that you're good at, and if money were no object, you'd do for free. That is where your business begins! We have to learn to create our own opportunities and not be afraid to act on them.

It don't matter who ya is miss (or mister), you can get the business! That's right, everyone is capable of being a business owner in some capacity. Even if you aren't turning a profit immediately, the benefits are undeniable.  A portion of your household expenses become tax deductible, a large portion of your meals become tax deductible, and you can even deduct a lot of your leisure activities as well! Its a no brainer--you just need to start minding your business!

I must admit that I have for a long time I bought into the dream. I went straight to college from high school, straight to grad school from college, and back to graduate school again. Before this year ends, I will have a terminal degree. What an accomplishment! The downside though, is that in my chosen career field, there is also a terminal salary range. In spite of holding a degree that only 2% of the population will ever achieve, the amount of money that I will be able to earn from today until retirement has already been predetermined. That doesn't sound like a dream to me! I've been tricked, hoodwinked, bamboozled! I fell for the okie-doke, better known as the American Dream.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not asking you to quit your job and relinquish your benefits. We're talking about making smart moves here. What I am telling you is that you should not give all your talents to your boss  in exchange for a salary that is being heavily taxed. Your boss/corporation/government agency is growing financially while you are being sucked dry. And working two jobs is not the answer...that's just double the tax liability! If you've got time to work a second job, you've got time to start a business. Oh, I may not get many "amens" but I know I'm telling the truth. You need to mind your business!

There are several opportunities out there for you to mind your business. Become more open-minded when you are approached with opportunities. Stop thinking that everyone is out to get something from you and begin to look at how you can leverage information for your own benefit.

I hope you've enjoyed our conversation and that you will begin to mind your business.

Exit Strategy

Some time has passed since our last conversation. So much has happened, I hardly know where to begin. Within the past five to seven years in education, backwards planning has become one of the many buzz words that schools and school systems have latched onto. Backwards planning is the notion that teachers should plan what they will teach, with the end result in mind. This method requires teachers to know where they expect students to end up and use that ending point as the place to begin planning what students will do to meet and exceed those standards. Rather than creating assessments after lessons have been taught, teachers create the assessment first, and then work backwards to ensure that all content will be covered in a meaningful way. Although I am not sure where to begin, I do know where I will end.

The concept of backwards planning makes me think about a lot of past situations that I entered into without thinking about how I would get out of them if they proved to be unsuccessful or unproductive. Many times, I have made decisions based on the now and not the year from now or five years from now. When it comes to our futures and the well-being of our families, we have to plan backwards and think about what we want the end to be. I know that we have been taught to "run on and see what the end will be", but I am not sure that this is what's best in all cases. A lot of confusion and backtracking could be avoided if we spent more time thinking ahead; being proactive and not reactive.

You can't plan everything, but it is wise to take the time to plan an exit strategy. I think Kanye said it best, "And I heard em say, nothing's ever promised tomorrow today"; so I do know that even the best laid plans can fail. That being said, there is still no good reason not to prepare ourselves for how we will move on once an opportunity, relationship, or assignment comes to an end.

Too many people are doing too many things that they have not taken the time to think through rationally: spending money that they have not budgeted to spend, entering into relationships with people they have not taken the time to get to know, speaking about things that they have not thoroughly researched. In short, folks are running around making choices all willy-nilly and are not planning an exit strategy.

Know your next move. Set some goals and do something everyday to get you closer to meeting your goal. Even when things do not go the way you want, plan an exit strategy. Think of a way to move yourself forward and don't waste time getting started. Circumstances don't matter. If we all think long enough and hard enough, we could find reasons why we should not take the time to plan for our futures. After all, its not up to use anyway. God's Will will be done, regardless of our efforts, this much is true. It is also true though, that when God sees us working hard in spite of what is going on around us, He makes sure that we can get to the place where we need to be.

I challenge you all to think about where it is that you want to be and how you can work to get there. Plan your exit strategy out of whatever is not productive for your life: unhealthy lifestyles, poor spending habits, irresponsible dating choices, or complacency in general. Plan your life with the end in mind then make it a reality.

...until the next Candid Conversation.