Not everyone is a morning person, or so I've heard. Me, myself, personally (in case there is any doubt of whom I am speaking), I am a morning person. When my alarm goes off, I get up. Heck, I will beat my alarm clock some mornings. My typical morning routine consists of a workout, checking and responding to emails while enjoying a cup of tea, or maybe reading a couple of chapters of whatever is currently on my nightstand. I like getting up in the morning and getting things going.
Imagine waking up one day and not being able to get out of the bed. I don't mean not wanting to, and thus hitting snooze five teams. I literally mean: not.being.able.to. You are fully awake, your brain is telling your legs to move, you can feel yourself trying to move your arms, yet nothing happens. In March 2009, this is what happened to me. I remember it distinctly because I had plans for the upcoming weekend with my gyrlfriends. We'd rented a condo in Savannah and I was looking forward to my gyrls getaway.
It was a Wednesday morning, I was wide awake, I had to report to work, but I could not move. AT ALL. I was used to being sore or stiff in the mornings. Who wouldn't be sore and stiff from working out 5 days week at 5:00 am and dancing 3 nights a week in addition to a full-time job and full-time doctoral studies? I was scared; but I chalked it up to my body being overworked. I called in for sub and then called my mama (I only call the doctor when my mama is not available). "This will pass," I thought. And it did for a little while. The next time it happened, about a week and a half later, I knew in my heart that my inability to control my muscles was more than a response to my being overly active. I just knew it wasn't that simple.
fast forward three years...
"You don't look sick to me."
"I never would've guessed you have lupus."
"You're so active, I wouldn't think anything was wrong with you."
"You don't act like you have lupus."
"Ain't nothin wrong with you gyrl."
These are just a few examples of the things people say to me. In their minds, they have a picture and profile of what defines sick. Apparently, I don't fit the image. Most people are not very familiar with lupus or its symptoms yet they know that I don't look or act like I have it. Amazing!
In medical terms, Systemic lupus erythematosus (SLE) is an autoimmune disease, which means the body's immune system mistakenly attacks healthy tissue. This leads to long-term (chronic) inflammation. In Quita's terms, this shit hurts. All.The.Time!!! It renders a person incapable of doing not big things-but simple everyday things that most take for granted. To add insult to diagnosis, the cause is not known. By all accounts, I have led a healthy lifestyle for as long as I can remember in my adult life. Eating right, exercising, not participating in any risky behaviors. This is not something that was supposed to happen to me. Yet it did anyway and everyday of my life brings new challenges for me.
So what am I supposed to do? Should I allow myself to be the victim or should I try my best to live the life that I have grown accustomed to? I'm sorry if I don't "look sick". I'm sorry if I only post pictures on Facebook in which I look good. I have to apologize if my activity level is still higher than people who suffer from no disease at all. Perhaps I should take a picture of myself crying at the gas station when my wrists are so inflamed that I can't remove the gas cap to fill up my car. Maybe people would feel better about my illness if chose to update my status with complaints of being in pain. Oh.....this is a good: I should make a video of my mama or my sweet thang having to brush my teeth for me because the joints in my fingers are so swollen that I can't even pick up a toothbrush, let alone use it. Would that make me look sick enough? Even if I did that, some people still wouldn't be convinced.
But here's the gotcha: I don't need to convince anyone. I live lupus everyday. Those who are close to me also live lupus everyday. It's not easy. Nor is it fun. For those two reasons alone, I cannot and will not give it any more power over my life. I do acknowledge my limits and I take heed when my body is telling me to slow down. But I won't walk around ashy-faced, nappy-headed, wearing tattered clothes for no damn body. Oh no! God has been too good for that! Yes, it is tough. Yes, I have had to cut back on many activities that I love; but there is no way I'm going to just sit down and be sick, look sick, or act sick. I will not walk around looking like lupus.
Candidly,
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Everything We Didn't Have
People always said I was spoiled growing up. I didn't see it. From what I understood of the word spoiled, it meant that I got everything I wanted when I wanted it. Well, I can definitely say that such was not the case! I didn't get half the stuff I wanted. I used to ask for a lot of stuff, but I didn't always get it.
I've been teaching long enough that I can pretty much figure out a student's home life without having ever spoken to his/her parents. Parents don't have (actually, won't make) time to talk to their kids. They have to work. They have to work to provide for their kids. They have to give their kids everything that they, the parents, "didn't have" growing up. It's not my place to tell parents how to raise their kids. Although I do know their kids' personalities very well, know their learning styles and what frustrates them, have to pet them when they are sad, encourage them when they feel self-doubt and check them when they get out of line; they are not my kids, and I have to realize that their parents have the right to raise them any way they see fit. Even if I think they are ruining them in the process.
You see, my students have a lot of stuff. They have expensive clothes, high tech phones/iPads, designer sunglasses, and some even drive luxury vehicles that cost more than what I earn in a year. If the goal of the parent is to give their kids everything that they didn't have, then I'd say they are right on track! If material items were all kids needed to develop into productive members of society then parents would be doing a stellar job. I just so happen to know, though, that its going to take a lot more than some Trues, Jordans, and fancy tablet to prepare kids for the real world. In giving their kids all that they did not have, parents have failed to give their kids all the things that they DID have.
Unless your parents are super young, you were raised by more than just your own parents. Nine times out of ten, grandmama, grandaddy, auntie, uncle, big cousin, and the nosey lady down the street, all had a hand in raising you. Hell, the neighborhood drunk may have even had to tighten you up a time or two and that was just fine with your mama and daddy as long as he wasn't telling you nothing wrong.
You had so much as a kid. You had parents who made you clean up and learn responsibility around the house. You had parents who were home every night and who actually knew what you had done all day long even if they had been working and couldn't be home with you. You had parents who in spite of financial difficulties, made sure that your basic needs were met and they made sure you understood that a child had to stay in a child's place-no matter how big and rusty your ass got.You had respect for adults. You knew not talk when grown folks were talking. You were courteous - you asked people how they were doing and you raked the yards or hung out laundry of old ladies in your neighborhood, whether they paid you or not. You had enough shame not to allow yourself to be seen doing or saying certain things in front of grown folks. You appreciated what your parents did for you, even if it wasn't always what you wanted. You knew that complaining about your teachers would only result in your parents telling you that if you'd only do what was asked of you, your teacher would have no reason to fuss at you. You had imagination. Because your parents didn't buy you every new toy you wanted, you were forced to go outside and find something to do. If you couldn't find anything to do, then you made something up. You had the things that mattered.
In spite of not getting everything I wanted, I can say that I did not lack for the essentials: food, shelter, clothing, and attention from my mother. My mama used to always say that my brother and I may not always have what was in style, but we would be clean and dressed neatly, our hair would be combed/brushed, and our stomachs would be full. She never let us down in that respect and if that constitutes us or me, being spoiled, then go ahead and change my name to Rotten! In fact, I wish more parents would "spoil" their children the same way that my mother spoiled me.
Again, I have no kids so what do I know? I am sure there are parents who can provide for their children AND instill values simultaneously. Sadly, though, most parents do not fall into this category. I just hope that more parents will realize that everything we didn't have pales in comparison to everything we did have. And, if it was good enough for us, why isn't it good enough for our kids?
If I didn't speak candidly, I wouldn't be me...
I've been teaching long enough that I can pretty much figure out a student's home life without having ever spoken to his/her parents. Parents don't have (actually, won't make) time to talk to their kids. They have to work. They have to work to provide for their kids. They have to give their kids everything that they, the parents, "didn't have" growing up. It's not my place to tell parents how to raise their kids. Although I do know their kids' personalities very well, know their learning styles and what frustrates them, have to pet them when they are sad, encourage them when they feel self-doubt and check them when they get out of line; they are not my kids, and I have to realize that their parents have the right to raise them any way they see fit. Even if I think they are ruining them in the process.
You see, my students have a lot of stuff. They have expensive clothes, high tech phones/iPads, designer sunglasses, and some even drive luxury vehicles that cost more than what I earn in a year. If the goal of the parent is to give their kids everything that they didn't have, then I'd say they are right on track! If material items were all kids needed to develop into productive members of society then parents would be doing a stellar job. I just so happen to know, though, that its going to take a lot more than some Trues, Jordans, and fancy tablet to prepare kids for the real world. In giving their kids all that they did not have, parents have failed to give their kids all the things that they DID have.
Unless your parents are super young, you were raised by more than just your own parents. Nine times out of ten, grandmama, grandaddy, auntie, uncle, big cousin, and the nosey lady down the street, all had a hand in raising you. Hell, the neighborhood drunk may have even had to tighten you up a time or two and that was just fine with your mama and daddy as long as he wasn't telling you nothing wrong.
You had so much as a kid. You had parents who made you clean up and learn responsibility around the house. You had parents who were home every night and who actually knew what you had done all day long even if they had been working and couldn't be home with you. You had parents who in spite of financial difficulties, made sure that your basic needs were met and they made sure you understood that a child had to stay in a child's place-no matter how big and rusty your ass got.You had respect for adults. You knew not talk when grown folks were talking. You were courteous - you asked people how they were doing and you raked the yards or hung out laundry of old ladies in your neighborhood, whether they paid you or not. You had enough shame not to allow yourself to be seen doing or saying certain things in front of grown folks. You appreciated what your parents did for you, even if it wasn't always what you wanted. You knew that complaining about your teachers would only result in your parents telling you that if you'd only do what was asked of you, your teacher would have no reason to fuss at you. You had imagination. Because your parents didn't buy you every new toy you wanted, you were forced to go outside and find something to do. If you couldn't find anything to do, then you made something up. You had the things that mattered.
In spite of not getting everything I wanted, I can say that I did not lack for the essentials: food, shelter, clothing, and attention from my mother. My mama used to always say that my brother and I may not always have what was in style, but we would be clean and dressed neatly, our hair would be combed/brushed, and our stomachs would be full. She never let us down in that respect and if that constitutes us or me, being spoiled, then go ahead and change my name to Rotten! In fact, I wish more parents would "spoil" their children the same way that my mother spoiled me.
Again, I have no kids so what do I know? I am sure there are parents who can provide for their children AND instill values simultaneously. Sadly, though, most parents do not fall into this category. I just hope that more parents will realize that everything we didn't have pales in comparison to everything we did have. And, if it was good enough for us, why isn't it good enough for our kids?
If I didn't speak candidly, I wouldn't be me...
Thirty and Over or Over Thirty?
I remember when I was in my teens, I wanted to be a part of the 21 and over crowd. Then, in my early 20's, I couldn't wait to be 25 and over. Of course, when I reached my late 20's, I was ready to be 30. When I turned 30 years old, I had a huge birthday party to commemorate the occassion. There is something about being "30 and over" that just makes life seem different.
On New Years' Day, I had the pleasure of spending the first day of the year with my gyrlfriends. Unlike most groups of gyrlfriends, my gyrls and I rarely see each other. We don't gab on the phone for hours on end, nor are we frequently hooking up for nights out on the town. When I'm done writing this post, remind me to go pick a switch because we need our asses whooped for not making more time to spend together. Granted, we are women on the move, that is no reason to not take time out to check in with your gyrls.
During our time together, my gyrls and I talked about many-a-thing, but the conversation that continued to resonate after I'd gone home, and even over a month later, was the "over 30" conversation. One of my gyrls tossed out the phrase, "you know you're over 30 when..." and we all had to complete the statement. We came up with the following list:
You know you're over 30 when...
...you don't spend money in stores that don't appreciate your business - no matter how badly you want that merchandise.
...you have no filter. No more tongue-biting for the sake of being nice.
...you don't cuss out people who clearly deserve to be cussed out. (Seemingly a contradiction of the first point, BUT, instead of cussing them out, you tell 'em off nice-nasty).
...you learn to appreciate people for who they are, rather than trying to change them.
...you know who your real friends are and who your real friends aren't (I think the latter may be more important than the former).
...you no longer feel the need to live up to society's standards and you don't care what anyone thinks about it.
...you are not afraid to lose it all and start over.
...you no longer chase people or situations, but wait for them to come in due time.
The list goes on and I'm sure I have paraphrased what my gyrls really said, but you get the point.
I looked up the word "over" and what I found was interesting. The word over has about 25 definitions and can be used as a noun, verb, preposition, adverb, and adjective. What do my gyrls and I really mean when we say we are over 30? One definition states that over means "more than", as in, "I raised over the amount of my goal." Another defines it as "finished, no longer in progress"; as in, "the party is over. It has ended." I got 'ta thankin' bout this thang and I wondered, are we 30 and over OR are we over 30?
Getting to the place where you can truly come to terms with yourself, your situations, your mistakes and their consequences is big deal. It seems for the first time, my gyrls and I are all in that place. We all have found a particular brand of peace that isn't advertised. Most never find it. We all find ourselves facing what would be considered by all accounts, "tough times", but as we went around the table and said what made us over 30 (more than 30 years old), there was an aire of confidence, satisfaction, and empowerment that can only come from being over 30 (having lived more than 30 years).
So I guess we are a little of both. We are over 30, more than 30 years old, with the wisdom that could only come from the decisions and circumstances that plagued our 20's and the years preceding them. But we are also 30 and over...we are finished and no longer dealing with things that don't matter. We are over the stress, over the games, and over the drama that sometimes attracts our attention when we have not lived long enough to know what does and does not matter.
So, for all my grown-ass women, are you 30 and over, or are you just over 30?
I just felt like being candid...
On New Years' Day, I had the pleasure of spending the first day of the year with my gyrlfriends. Unlike most groups of gyrlfriends, my gyrls and I rarely see each other. We don't gab on the phone for hours on end, nor are we frequently hooking up for nights out on the town. When I'm done writing this post, remind me to go pick a switch because we need our asses whooped for not making more time to spend together. Granted, we are women on the move, that is no reason to not take time out to check in with your gyrls.
During our time together, my gyrls and I talked about many-a-thing, but the conversation that continued to resonate after I'd gone home, and even over a month later, was the "over 30" conversation. One of my gyrls tossed out the phrase, "you know you're over 30 when..." and we all had to complete the statement. We came up with the following list:
You know you're over 30 when...
...you don't spend money in stores that don't appreciate your business - no matter how badly you want that merchandise.
...you have no filter. No more tongue-biting for the sake of being nice.
...you don't cuss out people who clearly deserve to be cussed out. (Seemingly a contradiction of the first point, BUT, instead of cussing them out, you tell 'em off nice-nasty).
...you learn to appreciate people for who they are, rather than trying to change them.
...you know who your real friends are and who your real friends aren't (I think the latter may be more important than the former).
...you no longer feel the need to live up to society's standards and you don't care what anyone thinks about it.
...you are not afraid to lose it all and start over.
...you no longer chase people or situations, but wait for them to come in due time.
The list goes on and I'm sure I have paraphrased what my gyrls really said, but you get the point.
I looked up the word "over" and what I found was interesting. The word over has about 25 definitions and can be used as a noun, verb, preposition, adverb, and adjective. What do my gyrls and I really mean when we say we are over 30? One definition states that over means "more than", as in, "I raised over the amount of my goal." Another defines it as "finished, no longer in progress"; as in, "the party is over. It has ended." I got 'ta thankin' bout this thang and I wondered, are we 30 and over OR are we over 30?
Getting to the place where you can truly come to terms with yourself, your situations, your mistakes and their consequences is big deal. It seems for the first time, my gyrls and I are all in that place. We all have found a particular brand of peace that isn't advertised. Most never find it. We all find ourselves facing what would be considered by all accounts, "tough times", but as we went around the table and said what made us over 30 (more than 30 years old), there was an aire of confidence, satisfaction, and empowerment that can only come from being over 30 (having lived more than 30 years).
So I guess we are a little of both. We are over 30, more than 30 years old, with the wisdom that could only come from the decisions and circumstances that plagued our 20's and the years preceding them. But we are also 30 and over...we are finished and no longer dealing with things that don't matter. We are over the stress, over the games, and over the drama that sometimes attracts our attention when we have not lived long enough to know what does and does not matter.
So, for all my grown-ass women, are you 30 and over, or are you just over 30?
I just felt like being candid...
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