Lately I've been thinking alot about various people who were in my life but are not any longer. Some memories are favorable, others not so much. I have analyzed these situations and come up with reasons that I believe led to the changes/demise of certain relationships. Surprisingly, or perhaps not, the common denominator is myself. Regardless of whatever else transpired in any of my former friendships and romantic relationships, the constants are me, myself, and I. What a trio, I tell ya. I can be a handful, a whole 'lotta woman, a force to be reckoned with!
It would be very easy to say that I am all-that and people just need to learn how to deal with me. To an extent, that is true. Those with whom I have lasting relationships, have learned to do that. Everyone, however, is not going to do that. When relationships come to an end, rather than looking at the other person as the offender, I have started to take a look at me. I try to determine what it is/was about me that made it not worth it for a person to go the extra mile. Not saying that they all should, for I do believe that some people are only meant to be seasonal, but still, I think it strengthens us as people when we know how we affect others.
Sometimes, it is my lack of patience that drives others away. Being that I was raised to be self-sufficient, I do not have a lot of patience for those who aren't. I am also a fairly quick learner, who needs very little instruction (with the exception of learning to swim and skate), therefore, I don't have the temperament required to answer the same questions over and over again. Pay attention! If I show a person how to do something more than twice, it irritates me. Typically, I do not make the same mistake more than once. If I see fire, I am not going to stick my hand in it. Because of this trait, I cannot empathize with people who keep asking for forgiveness for the exact same act. At some point, people have to learn from their mistakes, and if they do not, I don't want to be bothered with them anymore. No matter how hard I try, this has not yet changed about me. People need patience and understanding from their friends and lovers. I guess this is where I may have fallen short for some of my friends and/or exes.
Another quality that may be a relationship killer is my independence. Again, I wasn't raised to wait around on others to take care of me. I was cooking, doing laundry, and cleaning house at a very young age. By all accounts, I was a "grown" child. I have always had a job since I was 14, and everything I currently own was purchased by me. I don't wait to see what is going to happen next; I actively seek opportunities. In relationships, complacency is turn-off. Friends who complain about their finances or weight, yet make no moves to change them, will quickly fade from my call log. I find it difficult to engage in conversation with people who do not know how to take control of their personal situations and do something about it. If I ask someone to do something for me and they don't do it, I move on. I will either find someone else to do it, or figure out how to do it myself (most men do not like this). I just can't see myself leaving my business to someone else who is not as passionate about it as I am.
So, maybe its me. Maybe I am the reason that some of my relationships have not lasted. It is plausible that a friend needed me to be a little more patient or sympathetic. It is perfectly reasonable that maybe my independence has made an ex-boyfriend feel as if he could not take care of me. Maybe its me.
If it is me, I make no apologies for being who I am. The things that make me difficult are the very same things that make me a great friend/partner. My lack of patience causes me to push those around me to be better. Sometimes people do not know what lies within them until someone else helps them to bring it out. My independence has been an example to others that regardless of circumstances, you can do and have what you want as long as you work for it. Not that I have a lot, but what I do have is mine, and for that I am proud.
I am grateful to those who have learned me and have decided that they want to continue in relationship with me. It means they have found value where others have not. Each of us has something about us that is less than desirable. Often, it is that very same thing that will draw others unto us. When we take the time to know ourselves we won't agonize over what was when a relationship ends. We can say "maybe its me", move on, and become better.
Thanks for sharing this Candid Conversation with Marquita.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Never Satisfied
Trying to please people is a daunting task to say the least. No matter what you do, it undoubtedly will never be enough in some people's eyes. Sometimes that person is the one you see when you look in the mirror. Sometimes, meeting our own standards is harder than meeting those set by others.
For the past twelve days, I have been on a 90-Day Challenge to get fit! (www.readyforthechallenge.com - YES, I plugged my business!) I have always been a petite girl and despite compliments from friends and strangers alike, my body was/is not up to my personal standards. I am accustomed to looking a certain way and anything less is unacceptable to me. When I think about this though, I treat several other areas of my life the same way. In terms of education level, career, and personal achievement, most would say I am doing well. In my eyes, I am still so very far from where I want to be.
Don't get me wrong, I am beyond grateful for all that I have and am. I know that the Lord has been gracious in providing me with the talents and opportunities that I have been able to enjoy thus far. I have done more than I ever thought I would and for that, I can't complain at all. But I want more. So much more. There are so many things I'd like to try, so many more places I have yet to go, and goals that only God and I are aware of. My fear, though, is that it will always be this way. And if it is always this way, what does that mean for me and how the rest of my life will play out?
Is it possible that I may never be satisfied? Am I chasing pavements? I truly do not think this is the case. I believe that my personal satisfaction comes in pushing myself to the next level. My satisfaction comes from being able to set a goal for myself and then holding myself accountable to make it reality. I am satisfied when I know that God has charged me to complete a task and I have the courage to approach that task and stick with it.
In my opinion, satisfaction means there is nothing left to work for. Why should we be content with a snack when God has promised us a feast? Each person has his/her own dreams and aspirations. If you have not met yours, I urge you to revisit those things that once occupied your mind incessantly. Look back upon those dreams that have somehow been placed on hold and ask yourself if you have truly lived up to the potential that God has placed within you. As for me, I don't think I could ever do enough to live up to all that God has placed within me and neither could you. I challenge you to be never satisfied.
Thank you for your time. This has been another Candid Conversation with Marquita.
For the past twelve days, I have been on a 90-Day Challenge to get fit! (www.readyforthechallenge.com - YES, I plugged my business!) I have always been a petite girl and despite compliments from friends and strangers alike, my body was/is not up to my personal standards. I am accustomed to looking a certain way and anything less is unacceptable to me. When I think about this though, I treat several other areas of my life the same way. In terms of education level, career, and personal achievement, most would say I am doing well. In my eyes, I am still so very far from where I want to be.
Don't get me wrong, I am beyond grateful for all that I have and am. I know that the Lord has been gracious in providing me with the talents and opportunities that I have been able to enjoy thus far. I have done more than I ever thought I would and for that, I can't complain at all. But I want more. So much more. There are so many things I'd like to try, so many more places I have yet to go, and goals that only God and I are aware of. My fear, though, is that it will always be this way. And if it is always this way, what does that mean for me and how the rest of my life will play out?
Is it possible that I may never be satisfied? Am I chasing pavements? I truly do not think this is the case. I believe that my personal satisfaction comes in pushing myself to the next level. My satisfaction comes from being able to set a goal for myself and then holding myself accountable to make it reality. I am satisfied when I know that God has charged me to complete a task and I have the courage to approach that task and stick with it.
In my opinion, satisfaction means there is nothing left to work for. Why should we be content with a snack when God has promised us a feast? Each person has his/her own dreams and aspirations. If you have not met yours, I urge you to revisit those things that once occupied your mind incessantly. Look back upon those dreams that have somehow been placed on hold and ask yourself if you have truly lived up to the potential that God has placed within you. As for me, I don't think I could ever do enough to live up to all that God has placed within me and neither could you. I challenge you to be never satisfied.
Thank you for your time. This has been another Candid Conversation with Marquita.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Its a Village, but Damn!
Yes, I do still believe that it takes a village to raise a child. Over the past 20 years or so, I have noticed that we have gotten away from this philosophy. When I was little girl, it was perfectly acceptable for a neighbor or family friend to correct another person's child, even if that included giving them a good old fashioned ass whoopin'. Back then, people cared about how children conducted themselves. Children could not talk when adults were talking, they could not call other kids names within earshot of an adult, and they could not have cliques who didn't want to play with someone else. Oh no, Ms. Betty was sitting on the porch, watching it all and if anyone got out of line, she straightened it. If she didn't straighten it, you best believe all parents of all kids involved with misbehaving would be promptly informed when they arrived home. Consequences were certain, rather immediate or slightly delayed. Nothing got past our elders and we were consistently called out on the way we acted and treated each other. Parents appreciated the added support of their neighbors, relatives, and friends in the difficult task of raising their children. In fact, parents would become upset their children were seen doing something and no one corrected them. It was almost as if that meant their children were not worthy of the time it would take to correct them. Nowadays....not so much! If you discipline another peron's child, you had better be ready to have a knock down drag out with the parents.
These new age parents have abandoned the village mentality along with sound parenting as well. Having been a classroom teacher for ten years, each year I see more of a decline in the moral fabric of children. They do not use "yes ma'am/sir and no ma'am/sir". Children do not hesistate to walk up to a group of adults and begin talking as if they belong in the conversation. I have even been questioned by children regarding things I have communicated to their parents. Huh? Children know more curse words and explicit lyrics than they do multiplication facts and spelling words. And parents....well, they are so busy working to provide material things to their kids they have dropped the ball on spending time with them and teaching them the basics of how to be a decent human being. That's not the worst part of it though. The most disheartening part of this situation is that the parents are no longer looking for the village. These new age parents do not want anyone correcting their kids or teaching them right from wrong. These new age parents believe in giving their children a voice, a platform, if you will, that they can use to discover who they are in the world. That's all well and good, but when these children wind up in legal trouble, on drugs, or participating in sexually promiscous activity, the very same parents are then looking to the community to provide some sort of help. I often hear parents of disorderly, unruly children say that the reason their kids are in trouble is because there is nothing positive for them to become involved with. Isn't that ironic?
Mentoring programs are great, but that should not take the place of parenting. It really does start at home. Many parents neglect to discipline their children at an early age, let alone allow anyone else to do it, but later find themselves looking for a village to help turn their children lives around. It takes a village, but damn! Parents have to be more responsible for making sure that their children are growing up to become productive people.
My grandmama used to tell us all the time, "A disobedient child don't live out half his days". What a statement she was making! In essence, she was telling us that if we did not heed her instructions on how to behave in this world, surely, our days would be shortened either by disease, incarceration, addiction, or possibly even an early death! Well, you may have acted a fool at home, but not at Ma'm Beck's house! Any kids who darkened her door had better be ready to get it if they got out of line. Let us have to be warned more than once for the same thing. My grandmama would come through with the tripped braided switch cuttin' ass, and it didn't matter if you were her grandchild or not. She was an equal opportunity ass-whooper who took pride in getting results: a child who knew a child's place! Now, I'm not saying we were not allowed to have fun because we were. I have countless stories to tell of pure and divine silliness that comprises mine and my cousins' childhood years; however, we knew what was expected of us and that can all be attributed to strong and consistent discipline from our mamas, grandmama, aunties, and some family friends.
I know that we live in a new day that is driven by different thought processes. It is essential for people to progress otherwise, they would not survive. That being said, we should not throw out the undisciplined baby with the bath water. Technology and other advances have greatly improved our lives, but when we allow all of these new ways of thinking to overpower basic human needs for development we do ourselves a great disservice. We should, perhaps, revisit the village model. We should really start to look out for one another the way our parents and their parents used to. We have abandoned our village and left our children to raise themselves. (I have some very strong beliefs on the factors that contributed to the deterioration of our villages, however, that is another Candid Conversation altogether.) We don't want anyone telling us what to do with our kids until they are already pregnant, infected with HIV, selling drugs, or have been kicked out school. By then, its too late. And don't get me on these "praying mothers". Trust me, I love the Lord just as much as the next person, but failing to train a child in his/her early years and then wanting to pray all of their problems away is not realistic! A praying mother is good, but an ass whoopin' mother doesn't have to pray as much.
Now I know what you are thinking. "She can't tell me how to raise my kids when she doesn't have any of her own". Actually, I can. I see your kids daily. I have to deal with all of the baggage they carry into my classroom. When they can't focus on my lessons, I have to attend to issues that their parents have never taken the time to become aware of. I, along with many other teachers, coaches, counselors are still the village. Or at least we try to be. We can't do it all though. Kids have to come to us ready to receive our influence and open to what we try to teach them. Many of my students have told me things like, "my mama told me I don't have to do what no teacher say do." If that's the case, then don't call the teacher when your son/daughter is not able to achieve. Don't look to the school to provide additional activities to keep your child occupied. The village is not a convenient drop-off location. It is a permanent place of residence that begins at the moment of conception. (This implies that the parents have actually prepared to have the child-which, again, is another Candid Conversation entirely).
Thanks for reading. This has been another Candid Conversation with Marquita.
These new age parents have abandoned the village mentality along with sound parenting as well. Having been a classroom teacher for ten years, each year I see more of a decline in the moral fabric of children. They do not use "yes ma'am/sir and no ma'am/sir". Children do not hesistate to walk up to a group of adults and begin talking as if they belong in the conversation. I have even been questioned by children regarding things I have communicated to their parents. Huh? Children know more curse words and explicit lyrics than they do multiplication facts and spelling words. And parents....well, they are so busy working to provide material things to their kids they have dropped the ball on spending time with them and teaching them the basics of how to be a decent human being. That's not the worst part of it though. The most disheartening part of this situation is that the parents are no longer looking for the village. These new age parents do not want anyone correcting their kids or teaching them right from wrong. These new age parents believe in giving their children a voice, a platform, if you will, that they can use to discover who they are in the world. That's all well and good, but when these children wind up in legal trouble, on drugs, or participating in sexually promiscous activity, the very same parents are then looking to the community to provide some sort of help. I often hear parents of disorderly, unruly children say that the reason their kids are in trouble is because there is nothing positive for them to become involved with. Isn't that ironic?
Mentoring programs are great, but that should not take the place of parenting. It really does start at home. Many parents neglect to discipline their children at an early age, let alone allow anyone else to do it, but later find themselves looking for a village to help turn their children lives around. It takes a village, but damn! Parents have to be more responsible for making sure that their children are growing up to become productive people.
My grandmama used to tell us all the time, "A disobedient child don't live out half his days". What a statement she was making! In essence, she was telling us that if we did not heed her instructions on how to behave in this world, surely, our days would be shortened either by disease, incarceration, addiction, or possibly even an early death! Well, you may have acted a fool at home, but not at Ma'm Beck's house! Any kids who darkened her door had better be ready to get it if they got out of line. Let us have to be warned more than once for the same thing. My grandmama would come through with the tripped braided switch cuttin' ass, and it didn't matter if you were her grandchild or not. She was an equal opportunity ass-whooper who took pride in getting results: a child who knew a child's place! Now, I'm not saying we were not allowed to have fun because we were. I have countless stories to tell of pure and divine silliness that comprises mine and my cousins' childhood years; however, we knew what was expected of us and that can all be attributed to strong and consistent discipline from our mamas, grandmama, aunties, and some family friends.
I know that we live in a new day that is driven by different thought processes. It is essential for people to progress otherwise, they would not survive. That being said, we should not throw out the undisciplined baby with the bath water. Technology and other advances have greatly improved our lives, but when we allow all of these new ways of thinking to overpower basic human needs for development we do ourselves a great disservice. We should, perhaps, revisit the village model. We should really start to look out for one another the way our parents and their parents used to. We have abandoned our village and left our children to raise themselves. (I have some very strong beliefs on the factors that contributed to the deterioration of our villages, however, that is another Candid Conversation altogether.) We don't want anyone telling us what to do with our kids until they are already pregnant, infected with HIV, selling drugs, or have been kicked out school. By then, its too late. And don't get me on these "praying mothers". Trust me, I love the Lord just as much as the next person, but failing to train a child in his/her early years and then wanting to pray all of their problems away is not realistic! A praying mother is good, but an ass whoopin' mother doesn't have to pray as much.
Now I know what you are thinking. "She can't tell me how to raise my kids when she doesn't have any of her own". Actually, I can. I see your kids daily. I have to deal with all of the baggage they carry into my classroom. When they can't focus on my lessons, I have to attend to issues that their parents have never taken the time to become aware of. I, along with many other teachers, coaches, counselors are still the village. Or at least we try to be. We can't do it all though. Kids have to come to us ready to receive our influence and open to what we try to teach them. Many of my students have told me things like, "my mama told me I don't have to do what no teacher say do." If that's the case, then don't call the teacher when your son/daughter is not able to achieve. Don't look to the school to provide additional activities to keep your child occupied. The village is not a convenient drop-off location. It is a permanent place of residence that begins at the moment of conception. (This implies that the parents have actually prepared to have the child-which, again, is another Candid Conversation entirely).
Thanks for reading. This has been another Candid Conversation with Marquita.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
A Few Good Men
I keep hearing my sisters talk about how there are no good men out there. All the good men are taken, in jail (Really? That's where the good men are?!), or are gay. Seems the pickings are slim for women who say they are looking for love. Being a single woman myself, I can understand the frustration that many women are experiencing in finding, dating, and keeping a good man; however, I must disagree with the statement that there are only a few good men left.
Now ladies, before you click the "X" box to close me out, hear me out!!!! I am not saying that finding the right guy is easy, but, I won't say that there are no good men to choose from. We really have to take the time to find out what we are putting into the atmosphere when we meet men that we are interested in dating. Are we giving them the "marry me now" approach, or are we taking the time to get to know them on a deeper level? Are we going out with people that we are not really attracted to just because he is nice? Are we overlooking flags that are repeated thrown on the field just to be able to say we have a man? If we continue to do any of these things, surely we will continue to get the results we have always gotten. And, I hate to tell you, but a bad relationship doesn't always mean the guy is no-good. Even if he did something to hurt you (_______) insert red flags here. A lot of times, we set ourselves up to be hurt when we compromise what we are looking for in a man or ignore the warning signs that are staring us in our faces.
It took me some time to come to really understand that I have total control over how I am treated in a relationship. I used to think that people will do what they do. That couldn't be further from the truth! People will do what we allow them to do! But there are ways to avoid this.
First, be very clear about what you want. I like men who are physically attractive, financially fit, and who are not afraid to live life. Now, this doesn't mean that he has to have a face like Hill Harper, body like Gerard Butler, or mind like Common. It simply means the man needs to look good. He needs to be well-groomed and dress his age. In terms of finance, the amount of money he makes is not important, but how he spends it, well that's the thing. I refuse to date a man who drives a luxury vehicle but does not own a home or have an IRA. And who wants to date someone who is afraid to try new things? Certainly not me! The special guy in my life will be willing to go dancing, skydiving, or camping...whatever brings us closer together and expands us as people. Oh, and I forgot to mention...men with kids need not apply. (Baby mama drama is for the birds-been there, done that, got the t-shirt and the hat!)
Having dating my fair share of losers, I realize now that I had expectations that were not realistic for those particular people. For example, I expected a man with three kids to take vacations with me. *In my best ATL girl voice* Where they do that at? For one, the man had no time to go on vacation. Who would watch the kids? Second, he had no disposable income. Sports fees, food, clothes, and health care for three children would send anyone to the poor house! (single mothers, this is your plight so I know you understand this point). This expectation was simply out of his reach and while we cared for each other, there was no way I could be happy with giving up that aspect of my life. Are you expecting more than a person can rightly give? If so, all you are doing is building a wall of resentment between the two of you. He will resent you for not being satisfied with what he can give and you will resent him for not being able to give it.
Next, we have to stop playing these dating games. I'm no relationship expert, I'm just a woman who has experienced both good and bad relationships. There is no formula, that when followed, will guarantee that any relationship will last. That is up the individuals involved and their willingness to devote major effort. Popular books tell you that you should wait three days before calling when a guy gives you his number. Then, you need to wait a week before you go out. On top of that, you have to wait five dates to kiss, three months to have sex, and six months to say those three little words. Really? Again, in my best Atlanta girl voice, I ask, where they do that at? Ladies, there is a lot of distance between being desperate or a hoe and being a woman who is open-minded when it comes to dating and having fun. I am not suggesting that you stalk anyone, but if you take his number, you should use it. Let the man know you are interested! I'm not telling you to go around hopping into backseats on the first date, but I do think you should go with the flow (this is, of course, if there are no major roadblocks-remember the red flags right?).
Ladies, let's stop listening to our girlfriends and what we have read in a book that was designed to suck us in. Listen to yourself. When that little voice tells you not to give him your number, don't give it to him. This will prevent you from having to avoid his calls for the next two weeks and brings you that much closer to the next approach-which might be the guy you are looking for. When we play games with people that we have no intention of dating, we lock up a lot of energy that could be devoted to having fun with someone that has true potential.
Also, let's not be hard on ourselves for wanting what we want. It doesn't make you shallow as long as you are not after a man's possessions or trying to use him to promote yourself. In fact, its makes you all the more genuine because you know what you want and you can be honest with yourself and others.
So where does all this leave me? As I stated, I am single and I have to say, I am loving it. I date the men that I want to date and I have fun. I no longer get my feelings hurt by men because I am clear about what is important to me. I don't give my number to men that I know I am not interested in and I don't go on dates just to get a free meal. I am always myself. When a guy goes out with me, he knows exactly who and what he is dealing with. If I want to call someone, I call. If I like someone, I tell him. If I want to go out before he asks, then I ask him out (in this situation, I think you should also pay - after all, the man may not have planned that expense). Am I breaking some rules? Maybe....but my dating life is great and I am no longer blaming my lack of relationship on the myth of there being no good men out there. The good men are out there, but ladies, you have to be honest enough with yourselves to make mature decisions about who and how you date. When you do that, you will no longer have unreasonable expectations or waste your time getting your hopes up over something that is not possible. Plus, this keeps you full of positive energy and leaves all of the baggage by the wayside so that you can have a productive relationship when the time and the person are both right.
I thank you for reading and I look forward to our next Candid Conversation.
Now ladies, before you click the "X" box to close me out, hear me out!!!! I am not saying that finding the right guy is easy, but, I won't say that there are no good men to choose from. We really have to take the time to find out what we are putting into the atmosphere when we meet men that we are interested in dating. Are we giving them the "marry me now" approach, or are we taking the time to get to know them on a deeper level? Are we going out with people that we are not really attracted to just because he is nice? Are we overlooking flags that are repeated thrown on the field just to be able to say we have a man? If we continue to do any of these things, surely we will continue to get the results we have always gotten. And, I hate to tell you, but a bad relationship doesn't always mean the guy is no-good. Even if he did something to hurt you (_______) insert red flags here. A lot of times, we set ourselves up to be hurt when we compromise what we are looking for in a man or ignore the warning signs that are staring us in our faces.
It took me some time to come to really understand that I have total control over how I am treated in a relationship. I used to think that people will do what they do. That couldn't be further from the truth! People will do what we allow them to do! But there are ways to avoid this.
First, be very clear about what you want. I like men who are physically attractive, financially fit, and who are not afraid to live life. Now, this doesn't mean that he has to have a face like Hill Harper, body like Gerard Butler, or mind like Common. It simply means the man needs to look good. He needs to be well-groomed and dress his age. In terms of finance, the amount of money he makes is not important, but how he spends it, well that's the thing. I refuse to date a man who drives a luxury vehicle but does not own a home or have an IRA. And who wants to date someone who is afraid to try new things? Certainly not me! The special guy in my life will be willing to go dancing, skydiving, or camping...whatever brings us closer together and expands us as people. Oh, and I forgot to mention...men with kids need not apply. (Baby mama drama is for the birds-been there, done that, got the t-shirt and the hat!)
Having dating my fair share of losers, I realize now that I had expectations that were not realistic for those particular people. For example, I expected a man with three kids to take vacations with me. *In my best ATL girl voice* Where they do that at? For one, the man had no time to go on vacation. Who would watch the kids? Second, he had no disposable income. Sports fees, food, clothes, and health care for three children would send anyone to the poor house! (single mothers, this is your plight so I know you understand this point). This expectation was simply out of his reach and while we cared for each other, there was no way I could be happy with giving up that aspect of my life. Are you expecting more than a person can rightly give? If so, all you are doing is building a wall of resentment between the two of you. He will resent you for not being satisfied with what he can give and you will resent him for not being able to give it.
Next, we have to stop playing these dating games. I'm no relationship expert, I'm just a woman who has experienced both good and bad relationships. There is no formula, that when followed, will guarantee that any relationship will last. That is up the individuals involved and their willingness to devote major effort. Popular books tell you that you should wait three days before calling when a guy gives you his number. Then, you need to wait a week before you go out. On top of that, you have to wait five dates to kiss, three months to have sex, and six months to say those three little words. Really? Again, in my best Atlanta girl voice, I ask, where they do that at? Ladies, there is a lot of distance between being desperate or a hoe and being a woman who is open-minded when it comes to dating and having fun. I am not suggesting that you stalk anyone, but if you take his number, you should use it. Let the man know you are interested! I'm not telling you to go around hopping into backseats on the first date, but I do think you should go with the flow (this is, of course, if there are no major roadblocks-remember the red flags right?).
Ladies, let's stop listening to our girlfriends and what we have read in a book that was designed to suck us in. Listen to yourself. When that little voice tells you not to give him your number, don't give it to him. This will prevent you from having to avoid his calls for the next two weeks and brings you that much closer to the next approach-which might be the guy you are looking for. When we play games with people that we have no intention of dating, we lock up a lot of energy that could be devoted to having fun with someone that has true potential.
Also, let's not be hard on ourselves for wanting what we want. It doesn't make you shallow as long as you are not after a man's possessions or trying to use him to promote yourself. In fact, its makes you all the more genuine because you know what you want and you can be honest with yourself and others.
So where does all this leave me? As I stated, I am single and I have to say, I am loving it. I date the men that I want to date and I have fun. I no longer get my feelings hurt by men because I am clear about what is important to me. I don't give my number to men that I know I am not interested in and I don't go on dates just to get a free meal. I am always myself. When a guy goes out with me, he knows exactly who and what he is dealing with. If I want to call someone, I call. If I like someone, I tell him. If I want to go out before he asks, then I ask him out (in this situation, I think you should also pay - after all, the man may not have planned that expense). Am I breaking some rules? Maybe....but my dating life is great and I am no longer blaming my lack of relationship on the myth of there being no good men out there. The good men are out there, but ladies, you have to be honest enough with yourselves to make mature decisions about who and how you date. When you do that, you will no longer have unreasonable expectations or waste your time getting your hopes up over something that is not possible. Plus, this keeps you full of positive energy and leaves all of the baggage by the wayside so that you can have a productive relationship when the time and the person are both right.
I thank you for reading and I look forward to our next Candid Conversation.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Friendly Competition
Many years ago, I remember starting on a manuscript (it was literally a manuscript, handwritten and all) and being very excited about it. I was so excited that I took it to Wednesday night church service to show a friend. Her response was, "Why are you doing that?" Sadly, I can't say that I was surprised because that was a common response from this particular friend. Oddly enough, this same person expected trumpets whenever she was doing something that she deemed to be positive. It took me years and a true friend to realize that this person was not at all my friend. She was a competitor. She wanted and needed to feel as if she was doing better than me, therefore, she never encouraged my growth. Instead, she questioned, scrutinized, and criticized anything that I was doing. Needless to say, we are no longer friends. What brings about this type of competitive behavior among individuals who claim to care for one another? The answer is simple: jealousy.
Jealousy causes people to say and do things that will hinder the progress of others. When people see something in others that they do not see in themselves, but wish they did, they have a choice to make: either they will cling to the person and try to learn all they can, or they will lash out and be nonsupportive. For years, I allowed nonsupportive people to hinder my progress.
Growing up and finding real friends has changed all of that. You see, now I have surrounded myself with like-minded individuals, who are all doing great things. There is no room for jealousy in this circle-we are too busy learning from each other. My success is my friends' success and vice versa. We educate, motivate, and celebrate each other. I have no room for those with a competitor's mentality. I look to my friends for encouragement to continue to pursue those things that make me better. As a friend, I try to instill the same in them.
You may ask, "what's a little competition among friends"? In my opinion, it is the most toxic form of jealousy, that when left uncheck, can ruin friendships. If you are consistently the smartest, best-dressed, most-informed person in your circle, perhaps it is time for a new circle. From whom will you learn? I am not suggesting that you dump all of your friends, but I am suggesting that you meet new ones, who are engaged in things that are different than what you might be doing. When you find these new friends, do not look at them with contempt for what they have, rather look to them for motivation to strive to do more in your own life. As a dancer, I love to dance next to the best dancer in the studio. I do this because I know it will force me to push myself to dance with better technique. Quite frankly, I don't want to look crazy!
Today's blog is dedicated to all the wonderful girlfriends in my life. It's easy to be inspired by Oprah Winfrey, Tyra Banks, or Kathy Hughes, but when you can scroll through your contact log, see the names of women you know personally, and become inspired, that is something special.
Thank you for reading and take care until the next Candid Conversation.
Jealousy causes people to say and do things that will hinder the progress of others. When people see something in others that they do not see in themselves, but wish they did, they have a choice to make: either they will cling to the person and try to learn all they can, or they will lash out and be nonsupportive. For years, I allowed nonsupportive people to hinder my progress.
Growing up and finding real friends has changed all of that. You see, now I have surrounded myself with like-minded individuals, who are all doing great things. There is no room for jealousy in this circle-we are too busy learning from each other. My success is my friends' success and vice versa. We educate, motivate, and celebrate each other. I have no room for those with a competitor's mentality. I look to my friends for encouragement to continue to pursue those things that make me better. As a friend, I try to instill the same in them.
You may ask, "what's a little competition among friends"? In my opinion, it is the most toxic form of jealousy, that when left uncheck, can ruin friendships. If you are consistently the smartest, best-dressed, most-informed person in your circle, perhaps it is time for a new circle. From whom will you learn? I am not suggesting that you dump all of your friends, but I am suggesting that you meet new ones, who are engaged in things that are different than what you might be doing. When you find these new friends, do not look at them with contempt for what they have, rather look to them for motivation to strive to do more in your own life. As a dancer, I love to dance next to the best dancer in the studio. I do this because I know it will force me to push myself to dance with better technique. Quite frankly, I don't want to look crazy!
Today's blog is dedicated to all the wonderful girlfriends in my life. It's easy to be inspired by Oprah Winfrey, Tyra Banks, or Kathy Hughes, but when you can scroll through your contact log, see the names of women you know personally, and become inspired, that is something special.
Thank you for reading and take care until the next Candid Conversation.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Just Start Already
As we begin a new year, we start to think of all the things we've done, haven't done, and still want to do. I began to have these thoughts myself a few days ago and they led me to a realization: I have done a lot of the things that I said I wanted to do with my life. As a child, I wanted to be a teacher. I have been teaching for ten years. I always loved to dance, but wanted the confidence to perform. I danced with a group for about eight years and continue to dance on a regular basis. I used to think it would be great if I owned my own business. Three years ago, I joined the travel industry and run an online agency from my home. I'd say I have been pretty good about meeting the personal goals that I set for myself with one exception.
I have always enjoyed writing and I have found myself saying on many occassions "I'm going to become a writer one day". I used to write stories and make greeting cards for my mother. I used to write a weekly inspirational thought for the church that I attended in college. I have written short stories, academic papers, newsletters for various organizations, and instruction manuels. I write everyday! I am already a writer! All I have to do is just get started. So here we are, on January 1, 2011 and I am officially a writer.
The take-home message of my first Candid Conversation is that we all need to just start already. Whatever we have always wanted to be and do, is already within us. The talent and passion exists, so just start already!
Thank you friends and I look forward to our many Candid Conversations. Happy New Year!
I have always enjoyed writing and I have found myself saying on many occassions "I'm going to become a writer one day". I used to write stories and make greeting cards for my mother. I used to write a weekly inspirational thought for the church that I attended in college. I have written short stories, academic papers, newsletters for various organizations, and instruction manuels. I write everyday! I am already a writer! All I have to do is just get started. So here we are, on January 1, 2011 and I am officially a writer.
The take-home message of my first Candid Conversation is that we all need to just start already. Whatever we have always wanted to be and do, is already within us. The talent and passion exists, so just start already!
Thank you friends and I look forward to our many Candid Conversations. Happy New Year!
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