Its a Village, but Damn!

Yes, I do still believe that it takes a village to raise a child. Over the past 20 years or so, I have noticed that we have gotten away from this philosophy. When I was little girl, it was perfectly acceptable for a neighbor or family friend to correct another person's child, even if that included giving them a good old fashioned ass whoopin'. Back then, people cared about how children conducted themselves. Children could not talk when adults were talking, they could not call other kids names within earshot of an adult, and they could not have cliques who didn't want to play with someone else. Oh no, Ms. Betty was sitting on the porch, watching it all and if anyone got out of line, she straightened it. If she didn't straighten it, you best believe all parents of all kids involved with misbehaving would be promptly informed when they arrived home. Consequences were certain, rather immediate or slightly delayed. Nothing got past our elders and we were consistently called out on the way we acted and treated each other. Parents appreciated the added support of their neighbors, relatives, and friends in the difficult task of raising their children. In fact, parents would become upset their children were seen doing something and no one corrected them. It was almost as if that meant their children were not worthy of the time it would take to correct them. Nowadays....not so much! If you discipline another peron's child, you had better be ready to have a knock down drag out with the parents.

These new age parents have abandoned the village mentality along with sound parenting as well. Having been a classroom teacher for ten years, each year I see more of a decline in the moral fabric of children. They do not use "yes ma'am/sir and no ma'am/sir". Children do not hesistate to walk up to a group of adults and begin talking as if they belong in the conversation. I have even been questioned by children regarding things I have communicated to their parents. Huh? Children know more curse words and explicit lyrics than they do multiplication facts and spelling words. And parents....well, they are so busy working to provide material things to their kids they have dropped the ball on spending time with them and teaching them the basics of how to be a decent human being. That's not the worst part of it though. The most disheartening part of this situation is that the parents are no longer looking for the village. These new age parents do not want anyone correcting their kids or teaching them right from wrong. These new age parents believe in giving their children a voice, a platform, if you will, that they can use to discover who they are in the world. That's all well and good, but when these children wind up in legal trouble, on drugs, or participating in sexually promiscous activity, the very same parents are then looking to the community to provide some sort of help. I often hear parents of disorderly, unruly children say that the reason their kids are in trouble is because there is nothing positive for them to become involved with. Isn't that ironic?

Mentoring programs are great, but that should not take the place of parenting. It really does start at home. Many parents neglect to discipline their children at an early age, let alone allow anyone else to do it, but later find themselves looking for a village to help turn their children lives around. It takes a village, but damn! Parents have to be more responsible for making sure that their children are growing up to become productive people.

My grandmama used to tell us all the time, "A disobedient child don't live out half his days". What a statement she was making! In essence, she was telling us that if we did not heed her instructions on how to behave in this world, surely, our days would be shortened either by disease, incarceration, addiction, or possibly even an early death! Well, you may have acted a fool at home, but not at Ma'm Beck's house! Any kids who darkened her door had better be ready to get it if they got out of line. Let us have to be warned more than once for the same thing. My grandmama would come through with the tripped braided switch cuttin' ass, and it didn't matter if you were her grandchild or not. She was an equal opportunity ass-whooper who took pride in getting results: a child who knew a child's place! Now, I'm not saying we were not allowed to have fun because we were. I have countless stories to tell of pure and divine silliness that comprises mine and my cousins' childhood years; however, we knew what was expected of us and that can all be attributed to strong and consistent discipline from our mamas, grandmama, aunties, and some family friends.

I know that we live in a new day that is driven by different thought processes. It is essential for people to progress otherwise, they would not survive. That being said, we should not throw out the undisciplined baby with the bath water. Technology and other advances have greatly improved our lives, but when we allow all of these new ways of thinking to overpower basic human needs for development we do ourselves a great disservice. We should, perhaps, revisit the village model. We should really start to look out for one another the way our parents and their parents used to. We have abandoned our village and left our children to raise themselves. (I have some very strong beliefs on the factors that contributed to the deterioration of our villages, however, that is another Candid Conversation altogether.) We don't want anyone telling us what to do with our kids until they are already pregnant, infected with HIV, selling drugs, or have been kicked out school. By then, its too late. And don't get me on these "praying mothers". Trust me, I love the Lord just as much as the next person, but failing to train a child in his/her early years and then wanting to pray all of their problems away is not realistic! A praying mother is good, but an ass whoopin' mother doesn't have to pray as much.

Now I know what you are thinking. "She can't tell me how to raise my kids when she doesn't have any of her own". Actually, I can. I see your kids daily. I have to deal with all of the baggage they carry into my classroom. When they can't focus on my lessons, I have to attend to issues that their parents have never taken the time to become aware of. I, along with many other teachers, coaches, counselors are still the village. Or at least we try to be. We can't do it all though. Kids have to come to us ready to receive our influence and open to what we try to teach them. Many of my students have told me things like, "my mama told me I don't have to do what no teacher say do." If that's the case, then don't call the teacher when your son/daughter is not able to achieve. Don't look to the school to provide additional activities to keep your child occupied. The village is not a convenient drop-off location. It is a permanent place of residence that begins at the moment of conception. (This implies that the parents have actually prepared to have the child-which, again, is another Candid Conversation entirely).

Thanks for reading. This has been another Candid Conversation with Marquita.