A Few Good Men

I keep hearing my sisters talk about how there are no good men out there. All the good men are taken, in jail (Really? That's where the good men are?!), or are gay. Seems the pickings are slim for women who say they are looking for love. Being a single woman myself, I can understand the frustration that many women are experiencing in finding, dating, and keeping a good man; however, I must disagree with the statement that there are only a few good men left.

Now ladies, before you click the "X" box to close me out, hear me out!!!! I am not saying that finding the right guy is easy, but, I won't say that there are no good men to choose from. We really have to take the time to find out what we are putting into the atmosphere when we meet men that we are interested in dating. Are we giving them the "marry me now" approach, or are we taking the time to get to know them on a deeper level? Are we going out with people that we are not really attracted to just because he is nice? Are we overlooking flags that are repeated thrown on the field just to be able to say we have a man? If we continue to do any of these things, surely we will continue to get the results we have always gotten. And, I hate to tell you, but a bad relationship doesn't always mean the guy is no-good. Even if he did something to hurt you (_______)  insert red flags here. A lot of times, we set ourselves up to be hurt when we compromise what we are looking for in a man or ignore the warning signs that are staring us in our faces.

It took me some time to come to really understand that I have total control over how I am treated in a relationship. I used to think that people will do what they do. That couldn't be further from the truth! People will do what we allow them to do! But there are ways to avoid this.

First, be very clear about what you want. I like men who are physically attractive, financially fit, and who are not afraid to live life. Now, this doesn't mean that he has to have a face like Hill Harper, body like Gerard Butler, or mind like Common. It simply means the man needs to look good. He needs to be well-groomed and dress his age. In terms of finance, the amount of money he makes is not important, but how he spends it, well that's the thing. I refuse to date a man who drives a luxury vehicle but does not own a home or have an IRA. And who wants to date someone who is afraid to try new things? Certainly not me! The special guy in my life will be willing to go dancing, skydiving, or camping...whatever brings us closer together and expands us as people. Oh, and I forgot to mention...men with kids need not apply. (Baby mama drama is for the birds-been there, done that, got the t-shirt and the hat!)

Having dating my fair share of losers, I realize now that I had expectations that were not realistic for those particular people. For example, I expected a man with three kids to take vacations with me. *In my best ATL girl voice* Where they do that at? For one, the man had no time to go on vacation. Who would watch the kids? Second, he had no disposable income. Sports fees, food, clothes, and health care for three children would send anyone to the poor house! (single mothers, this is your plight so I know you understand this point). This expectation was simply out of his reach and while we cared for each other, there was no way I could be happy with giving up that aspect of my life. Are you expecting more than a person can rightly give? If so, all you are doing is building a wall of resentment between the two of you. He will resent you for not being satisfied with what he can give and you will resent him for not being able to give it.

Next, we have to stop playing these dating games. I'm no relationship expert, I'm just a woman who has experienced both good and bad relationships. There is no formula, that when followed, will guarantee that any relationship will last. That is up the individuals involved and their willingness to devote major effort. Popular books tell you that you should wait three days before calling when a guy gives you his number. Then, you need to wait a week before you go out. On top of that, you have to wait five dates to kiss, three months to have sex, and six months to say those three little words. Really? Again, in my best Atlanta girl voice, I ask, where they do that at? Ladies, there is a lot of distance between being desperate or a hoe and being a woman who is open-minded when it comes to dating and having fun. I am not suggesting that you stalk anyone, but if you take his number, you should use it. Let the man know you are interested! I'm not telling you to go around hopping into backseats on the first date, but I do think you should go with the flow (this is, of course, if there are no major roadblocks-remember the red flags right?).

Ladies, let's stop listening to our girlfriends and what we have read in a book that was designed to suck us in. Listen to yourself. When that little voice tells you not to give him your number, don't give it to him. This will prevent you from having to avoid his calls for the next two weeks and brings you that much closer to the next approach-which might be the guy you are looking for. When we play games with people that we have no intention of dating, we lock up a lot of energy that could be devoted to having fun with someone that has true potential.

Also, let's not be hard on ourselves for wanting what we want. It doesn't make you shallow as long as you are not after a man's possessions or trying to use him to promote yourself. In fact, its makes you all the more genuine because you know what you want and you can be honest with yourself and others.

So where does all this leave me? As I stated, I am single and I have to say, I am loving it. I date the men that I want to date and I have fun. I no longer get my feelings hurt by men because I am clear about what is important to me. I don't give my number to men that I know I am not interested in and I don't go on dates just to get a free meal. I am always myself. When a guy goes out with me, he knows exactly who and what he is dealing with. If I want to call someone, I call.  If I like someone, I tell him. If I want to go out before he asks, then I ask him out (in this situation, I think you should also pay - after all, the man may not have planned that expense). Am I breaking some rules? Maybe....but my dating life is great and I am no longer blaming my lack of relationship on the myth of there being no good men out there. The good men are out there, but ladies, you have to be honest enough with yourselves to make mature decisions about who and how you date. When you do that, you will no longer have unreasonable expectations or waste your time getting your hopes up over something that is not possible. Plus, this keeps you full of positive energy and leaves all of the baggage by the wayside so that you can have a productive relationship when the time and the person are both right.

I thank you for reading and I look forward to our next Candid Conversation.