Maybe It's Me

Lately I've been thinking alot about various people who were in my life but are not any longer. Some memories are favorable, others not so much. I have analyzed these situations and come up with reasons that I believe led to the changes/demise of certain relationships. Surprisingly, or perhaps not, the common denominator is myself. Regardless of whatever else transpired in any of my former friendships and romantic relationships, the constants are me, myself, and I. What a trio, I tell ya. I can be a handful, a whole 'lotta woman, a force to be reckoned with!

It would be very easy to say that I am all-that and people just need to learn how to deal with me. To an extent, that is true. Those with whom I have lasting relationships, have learned to do that. Everyone, however, is not going to do that. When relationships come to an end, rather than looking at the other person as the offender, I have started to take a look at me. I try to determine what it is/was about me that made it not worth it for a person to go the extra mile. Not saying that they all should, for I do believe that some people are only meant to be seasonal, but still, I think it strengthens us as people when we know how we affect others.

Sometimes, it is my lack of patience that drives others away. Being that I was raised to be self-sufficient, I do not have a lot of patience for those who aren't. I am also a fairly quick learner, who needs very little instruction (with the exception of learning to swim and skate), therefore, I don't have the temperament required to answer the same questions over and over again. Pay attention! If I show a person how to do something more than twice, it irritates me. Typically, I do not make the same mistake more than once. If I see fire, I am not going to stick my hand in it. Because of this trait, I cannot empathize with people who keep asking for forgiveness for the exact same act. At some point, people have to learn from their mistakes, and if they do not, I don't want to be bothered with them anymore. No matter how hard I try, this has not yet changed about me. People need patience and understanding from their friends and lovers. I guess this is where I may have fallen short for some of my friends and/or exes.

Another quality that may be a relationship killer is my independence. Again, I wasn't raised to wait around on others to take care of me. I was cooking, doing laundry, and cleaning house at a very young age. By all accounts, I was a "grown" child. I have always had a job since I was 14, and everything I currently own was purchased by me. I don't wait to see what is going to happen next; I actively seek opportunities. In relationships, complacency is turn-off. Friends who complain about their finances or weight, yet make no moves to change them, will quickly fade from my call log. I find it difficult to engage in conversation with people who do not know how to take control of their personal situations and do something about it. If I ask someone to do something for me and they don't do it, I move on. I will either find someone else to do it, or figure out how to do it myself (most men do not like this). I just can't see myself leaving my business to someone else who is not as passionate about it as I am.

So, maybe its me. Maybe I am the reason that some of my relationships have not lasted. It is plausible that a friend needed me to be a little more patient or sympathetic. It is perfectly reasonable that maybe my independence has made an ex-boyfriend feel as if he could not take care of me. Maybe its me.

If it is me, I make no apologies for being who I am. The things that make me difficult are the very same things that make me a great friend/partner. My lack of patience causes me to push those around me to be better. Sometimes people do not know what lies within them until someone else helps them to bring it out. My independence has been an example to others that regardless of circumstances, you can do and have what you want as long as you work for it. Not that I have a lot, but what I do have is mine, and for that I am proud.

I am grateful to those who have learned me and have decided that they want to continue in relationship with me. It means they have found value where others have not. Each of us has something about us that is less than desirable. Often, it is that very same thing that will draw others unto us. When we take the time to know ourselves we won't agonize over what was when a relationship ends. We can say "maybe its me", move on, and become better.

Thanks for sharing this Candid Conversation with Marquita.